Well it was a big realization and behind all those heartache, a lot of good things happened. When I was with my EX, my world only revolves around him. I lost my friends, I never gained a new one. We didn't have any common friends.
I've had new friends but I'd rather not go out with them because you would brag me to not go or else you will come with me, which I don't want to, because you know am not so proud of you. When we were out with our friends, they would say something negative about you, and I cannot even justify. There are times that made me think what I liked about you, but it didn't matter. I loved you unconditionally.
I lost my time with my family. I usually come home to have a bath. After that I have to go to your place because that is what you wanted. We may stay at home, but we only stayed in my room. Even in special occasion, or family activities, I wasn't there because I was with you. That's you with your family, I became like you. My parents hate you. We would always sneak out because you don't like it when my mom stares at you.
I lost time with my cousins, who were there for me, when you were not around yet.
I was contented then. Go to work, we go out shopping, we check in to some places, go home, stayed in anyone’s room, pig out and sleep. That was life then...But there are times when I felt I was stuck. I was very vocal about things that I need that you can’t provide. But it didn't make me love you less. You are very vocal on the things you can't do and things you are weak. I was so glad I was able to help you. It was a challenge for me. I don't want people to know that you are that stupid. It didn't make me love you less.
And so after almost seven years we broke up. Why? because you said, you want somebody else but you don't wanna lose me. Crap. I let you go. That time was easy for me then. Why? When we broke up the first time, I found new friends. I had new experiences. I found love.
It was high times for me. I am going out with friends without you. Having new things and new experiences without you. I felt so much love from my friends. You only come into my mind when I am home and when I received a message from you.
So you are coming back. You said you want me again. You said you want me again. Deciding on having you back is hard for me. I have to choose between you and my friends and all the new experiences. You insist. You knew then that I am falling for someone else. I told you I will be here till you need me. I told you I cannot hurt you. I know all those times, I was not such a good gf...
Because then, I'd rather be with my friends than with you. I let you wait for hours, while I was having fun with my friends. I had to hide you from someone. I had to make you quiet for my friend not to hear you.... But the time comes that I had to choose. When I saw you cried because you were so jealous, I had to choose, I never want to hurt you. I choose you.
You arrange a vacation. To a place you know where I really wanted to go. When we got back from the vacation. We were in my bed, you hugged me, looked straight in my eyes and told me, "mahal n mahal kita, balikan mo na ako"... I looked away, and said "baka gawin mo ulit sakin"... which after a week, it happened.
Moving on from you became easy. Moving on from the last person who I fell in love with is harder. But then, after a while, two less lonely people...
A lot of people helped me. I died. Now I am living a new life. Then I thought, maybe it was bound to happen. In order for me to see all my blessings. For me to seek for Him and to see how much He loves me.
I was so broken but because of all the love and the things I am getting, everything is just getting better. I was thinking pa, did everybody talk about making my days special? as in everybody...
First, these people. They gave me the respect that I wanted. They showed me how great life is...
Nabuo namin yung group as This Is Us. Every time we are together, you'll see the meaning of fun....
Great people with different personalities. They took care of me.
I started to be more attached with my family. I know my parents knew what was happening to me. They know what makes me happy... Singing: coz we are living in a material world.... Ahaha!
With every good thing that was happening to me. I have to stand up and give back. I have to go out. I have to gain back what I've lost...
First, I have to love my self. So I went shopping.
I had time with people at home. Whenever my mom calls, I was there to answer. I also had time with my cousins. That after all, they are still there. They showed me love and care.
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| I had time for the kids |
Sometimes we don't realize that when we harbor hate and anger that we are holding ourselves back from love and forgiveness. It took a lot of thinking and acceptance in order for me to feel better.
I changed. I became very positive on everything. And I noticed, everything is lighter. The feeling is wonderful.
Remember how I always ask an alone time? I was begging you to give me at least an hour without you... Now I have it all..
I gained more friends. I was able to do the things that I wasn't able before. I always have this thinking that if I was still with you, I probably won't be able to do all these stuff.
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| Laiya and Tagaytay |
And these:
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| Lucban Quezon |
Adventures
I probably won’t be able to do that if you were still here. You know why... Coz there's nothing to be proud of you. Hirap kasi... Pag sinasama kita with my friends, hindi ka makapag pigil obvious ka.
What else.... you wanted us to get our driver's license, we didn't get time, coz you always want to stay in your room and do nothing. But when you were gone, I got my license. Things got even better coz now, I was able to save up and I am buying my own car.
What else... the renovation you promised for my room, I was able to get it done. This time I am celebrating my birthdays using my own money.
What else... its just things got better. A lot of blessings came and I have tried sharing it. A lot of times I saw how much God really loves me. It felt really good when a lot of people care about me, they loved me. Sabi nga ni Jordin Sparks "I can't believe the love I see."
What else... Oh, yah, I finally have what I always wanted. Freedom... Love... Security... Respect....
The same thing I told you, kung magulo ang utak mo, wag ako ang guluhin mo ok? It is the first time I wrote something about you ever...
