You will always find a friend during your darkest hours. I remember the time when I met you. I was broken then, and you were too. Maybe it just so happen that we have a lot in common and we have the same situation. For a while, we get to know each other very well. We always have long talks about our experiences, about things in life, etc... I remember when you were bragging about your ex, and I was bragging about me quitting the job, you asked and I answered "I'll take care of you". I know I did.
It was fun. I really had a great time with you. I never wanted to lose you. We became best friends, or maybe it was I who thought we were. I never wanted it to end. But it did anyway...
I made a mistake. I was out of my mind and was not thinking. I thought I was broken because of what my ex did to me. But there's a lot of things that added to my depression. For a while we haven't spoken to each other. I guess deciding whose fault is useless now because all I know is that things aren't what they used to and will probably remain that way.
You may never know how much I loved our friendship. So when everything changed, I was dragged into a deep depression and hated you with a passion. How could have I lost my best friend? How could you leave me when you knew what was happening to me? How could you give up on me? And then I wonder what horrible thing happened that made you ruin it for the both of us. You kept your silence and left me clueless.
Eventually, you told me when I stopped asking. I understand and I am sorry. I stop trying to mend the friendship. I stopped saying sorry. Even after lots of trying if the person is not willing to come your way. It’s high time I realized it’s all over. Accepting that it has ended gives me some relief in a way. It’s for my own good. Anyways why do you want to be with someone who doesn’t want you to be a part of his life anymore? I began to hate you. I know I have said too much and I was sorry. But there's this one thing you did that I could never forget. It changed the way I have known you.
It felt like I have nobody. I was in my darkest hours. I was so wasted. I stopped blaming you for what I have been going thru. I accepted the fact that I was the problem. I was embarrassed. I didn’t want anyone to see me this way. I was ashamed at who I had become. I felt lost. I was struggling with everything and I had to “stand up” again. Depression doesn’t heal overnight, and even though we experience heightened states of happiness during the healing process, complete healing takes time and a lot of loving patience for your self. But with the love and concern that my new found friends showed me. Healing made it quick.
After a while of not getting any news from you. I received a text message from you. It just made me wonder. I was wondering why you were talking to me again. I remember you told a common friend that you are not ready yet, does it mean you are ready now? What if I’m the one not ready? I didn't know if I should be happy or should be mad. By then, all I wanted is for everything in my life to be okay. I didn't want to have a fight or argument; maybe I got tired of it. And so I let it pass.
I tried going back to the way we used to. You said I can still confide in you. And so I did. I was so grateful because you were there trying to help, like you used to. I tried really hard to go back. I was trying to look back at the memories. I do remember those days. But it felt different. It really cant be the same as before. We are totally different now.
Then we had another argument. That one really made me give up. It felt like this is probably what’s going to happen all the time. I got tired. I don’t want to argue with you anymore. I am tired. When we got the chance to talk, you told me to let it pass. I did.
But I told myself that that would be the last time... I stopped. We may stop talking but I never stop caring. I stopped doing things but I never stop being a friend. I told myself I would never initiate a conversation. I will never see you. That is why I can't do meet ups, I can't invite you when our old friends wants to go out. I am not ready to see you again, to be with you again. I am still a friend. What I am showing you is still true. Its just that I would never do anything for you until I see you as the old you.
But maybe you'll be happy to know that I had a dream about you last night. It made me so happy; my first thought was to write it down. In my dream, we were both talking. I can't quite remember how it began, but I remember us seating on a bench, on a playground. What were we talking about? I do not even know.... it was the first time I had seen you in a very long time so I decided to talk to you out of politeness. I remembered you hate people being rude. It was small talk; "So how have you been doing?" "How's so and so?”….you were so different than from what I remembered. We sat down. I guess the awkward silence that followed made you ask something about my ex. You always knew me as the girl who would always talk about my ex. I'd easily break the silence trying to explain these things to you. I began talking crazily, about this and that, that and this-I honestly don't even remember what I said. But I was so into explaining such concepts that to you my eyes kept wandering as though there was too much to explain at once. As I kept rambling, I heard you chuckle. I looked at you in confusion and I saw you smiling at me.
You smiled at me as if you were saying, "I missed you". It was at that moment when I saw the old you. So I smiled back.
It was fun. I really had a great time with you. I never wanted to lose you. We became best friends, or maybe it was I who thought we were. I never wanted it to end. But it did anyway...
I made a mistake. I was out of my mind and was not thinking. I thought I was broken because of what my ex did to me. But there's a lot of things that added to my depression. For a while we haven't spoken to each other. I guess deciding whose fault is useless now because all I know is that things aren't what they used to and will probably remain that way.
You may never know how much I loved our friendship. So when everything changed, I was dragged into a deep depression and hated you with a passion. How could have I lost my best friend? How could you leave me when you knew what was happening to me? How could you give up on me? And then I wonder what horrible thing happened that made you ruin it for the both of us. You kept your silence and left me clueless.
Eventually, you told me when I stopped asking. I understand and I am sorry. I stop trying to mend the friendship. I stopped saying sorry. Even after lots of trying if the person is not willing to come your way. It’s high time I realized it’s all over. Accepting that it has ended gives me some relief in a way. It’s for my own good. Anyways why do you want to be with someone who doesn’t want you to be a part of his life anymore? I began to hate you. I know I have said too much and I was sorry. But there's this one thing you did that I could never forget. It changed the way I have known you.
It felt like I have nobody. I was in my darkest hours. I was so wasted. I stopped blaming you for what I have been going thru. I accepted the fact that I was the problem. I was embarrassed. I didn’t want anyone to see me this way. I was ashamed at who I had become. I felt lost. I was struggling with everything and I had to “stand up” again. Depression doesn’t heal overnight, and even though we experience heightened states of happiness during the healing process, complete healing takes time and a lot of loving patience for your self. But with the love and concern that my new found friends showed me. Healing made it quick.
After a while of not getting any news from you. I received a text message from you. It just made me wonder. I was wondering why you were talking to me again. I remember you told a common friend that you are not ready yet, does it mean you are ready now? What if I’m the one not ready? I didn't know if I should be happy or should be mad. By then, all I wanted is for everything in my life to be okay. I didn't want to have a fight or argument; maybe I got tired of it. And so I let it pass.
I tried going back to the way we used to. You said I can still confide in you. And so I did. I was so grateful because you were there trying to help, like you used to. I tried really hard to go back. I was trying to look back at the memories. I do remember those days. But it felt different. It really cant be the same as before. We are totally different now.
Then we had another argument. That one really made me give up. It felt like this is probably what’s going to happen all the time. I got tired. I don’t want to argue with you anymore. I am tired. When we got the chance to talk, you told me to let it pass. I did.
But I told myself that that would be the last time... I stopped. We may stop talking but I never stop caring. I stopped doing things but I never stop being a friend. I told myself I would never initiate a conversation. I will never see you. That is why I can't do meet ups, I can't invite you when our old friends wants to go out. I am not ready to see you again, to be with you again. I am still a friend. What I am showing you is still true. Its just that I would never do anything for you until I see you as the old you.
But maybe you'll be happy to know that I had a dream about you last night. It made me so happy; my first thought was to write it down. In my dream, we were both talking. I can't quite remember how it began, but I remember us seating on a bench, on a playground. What were we talking about? I do not even know.... it was the first time I had seen you in a very long time so I decided to talk to you out of politeness. I remembered you hate people being rude. It was small talk; "So how have you been doing?" "How's so and so?”….you were so different than from what I remembered. We sat down. I guess the awkward silence that followed made you ask something about my ex. You always knew me as the girl who would always talk about my ex. I'd easily break the silence trying to explain these things to you. I began talking crazily, about this and that, that and this-I honestly don't even remember what I said. But I was so into explaining such concepts that to you my eyes kept wandering as though there was too much to explain at once. As I kept rambling, I heard you chuckle. I looked at you in confusion and I saw you smiling at me.
You smiled at me as if you were saying, "I missed you". It was at that moment when I saw the old you. So I smiled back.
